


Heartbeat

by ObliviousOwlet



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: A lot of Flashbacks, Angst, Existential Dread, F/M, but i don't think anyone will be, i'll post an explanation at the end if anyone's confused, i'm not that clever lolol, this was only supposed to be a 700 word drabble
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-18 17:56:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10622115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObliviousOwlet/pseuds/ObliviousOwlet
Summary: It took Saeyoung far too long to understand the difference. It was far too simple, really. Your heart beat strongly, warm, and flowed with peace and generosity. But the woman he married is little more than a ghost.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written in ages, and I barely edited this, due to it being 1 in the morning. My apologies.
> 
> Italics=A flashback  
> Bold=A command or notification from the game
> 
> Hope you enjoy this to some degree.

_I’ve finally figured it out. I’m listening to the wrong heartbeat._

* * *

 

“Your tea’s ready, Saeyoung.”

He snapped out of his haze, blinking and shaking his head as if to clear his mind, and got up, stretching. The woman who had spoken remained seated, staring at him silently as he staggered into the kitchen, cursing his own sleep schedule. Saeyoung silently thanked God as he slipped behind the wall, hiding him from her sight, and leaned against the counter.

He had originally chalked it up to simple ignorance on his part. Of course the persona the love of his life had during their first eleven days would be different from her actual personality. No one is that warm-hearted and generous all the time.

He could love the quiet parts of you.

He really only began to come to the realization that he was wrong after their second night together. Your first was the day after the party, enjoying your last moments of peace before you set out to bring back his brother. The day had been weary, and without giving a thought to decency, you’d fallen straight into the same bed and passed out. He remembered pressing his head to your chest, nose rubbing your throat, and letting your heartbeat lull him to sleep--strong, warm, steady, peaceful.  Perfect.

Saeyoung wasn’t an idiot. He knew that there was more to this reality than met the eye. He could feel the subtle hints that told him he had done this before, he could come to the conclusion that he had. He began to remember.  He grew bitter, watching the woman he loved romance everyone but him.

His MC.

He could tell when you were gone, in those periods of time when his MC would become quieter, would play along blindly, as if without direction. Saeyoung began to wonder if he was just as blind. He wondered what was missing.

* * *

 

_Yoosung had shed his pristine white lab coat, and had his arm slung around the petite woman beside him, her head resting on his shoulder. He was engaged in lively conversation with Zen, regarding some new hairless cat breed, and whether he would ever consider having a housemate._

_Saeyoung’s attention lay elsewhere, his eyes trained on the woman with the long brown hair. She nodded along with her husband’s words, not quite invested, but not quite bored._

_He didn’t know what brought the urge on, but he coughed into his fist. “So, MC…”_

_Her gaze travelled lazily to him, still leaning into the man beside her. Her eyes remained blank, dull, and tired. “Mm?”_

_“Have you been up to anything new lately?”_

_“I….  Ah…. I’ve been trying some new dessert recipes to give to Yoosung.”_

_“That sounds fun,” He said softly, hiding the smallest of frowns. “Have you been enjoying it?”_

_“It’s fine,” she replied dreamily, her face turning again to her husband. “Yoosung’s enjoyed it.”_

_“...But what about you?”_

_“Mm?”_

_“Have you been enjoying it?”_

_“Anything that makes Yoosung happy makes me happy.”_

_Saeyoung finally let himself frown. “Is there anything you enjoy that doesn’t have to do with your husband?”_

_He didn’t know why he had said it. It was stupid. MC didn’t reply, only stared at him blankly, but in an instant, she was gathered tighter into Yoosung’s arms._

_“Seven, what’s your problem? What are you implying?”_

_“I-”_

_“Are you trying to say I don’t let her do anything she enjoys?”_

_A cold feeling settled at the bottom of his stomach. “No. No, I just…” He shook his head. “No. I’m sorry,  I’m… Really tired. I think I need to go. I’m exhausted right now.”_

_“Yeah, I think that would be best,” Yoosung replied coldly, his eyes narrowing. “Good night, Seven.”_

_Saeyoung got up from his seat, his spine popping as he did so, and he winced. “Ah- Good night, everyone.”_

_Before the door closed behind him, he managed to catch one more look at MC’s face. Her eyes were blank and dead, trained on her husband, hanging on his every word._

* * *

 

_The second time they shared a bed--no, this time it was a couch, while Saeran had taken over his room, and he had spent the afternoon clearing out a spare bedroom to take up residence in himself. Several resets in. He was exhausted. MC had stopped by to help._

_He wondered what she did in her spare time._

_He wondered if she would exist outside of her time with him._

_The day was long, the air conditioner broken, and in a moment where they were overwhelmed by heat and exhaustion, they gave up and curled up on the couch._

_Saeyoung remembered the soft, strong beat of her heart, and pressed his ear to her chest, his head resting against her collarbone. Her hand ran through his hair cautiously, as if petting a kitten._

_“Sleep well, my love.”_

_Saeyoung couldn’t find it. He found a heartbeat, but it felt softer, almost a murmur. Perhaps it was because of the activity. Perhaps it was the heat.  Maybe he was just tired._

_Perhaps she didn’t have a heart._

* * *

 

_Saeyoung paced back and forth in his room, the robot cat sitting silently on the bed. His hands gripped into his hair, pulling at the crimson locks until tears sprung to his eyes._

_“I don’t understand.”_

_The cat didn’t respond, it’s head only tilting slightly._

_“She hasn’t reset. It’s been the same every time--11 days, then only to about 3 years max, then the player resets.”_

_The cat blinked silently._

_“She hasn’t reset yet. She… No. I…”_

_“Meow!”_

_“God, I’ll bet MC is getting tired of this too.”_

_“Meow!”_

_“I’m just… I’m so sick of this. I’m sick of having a taste of life with her and then losing it all to the sadist that put her here in the first place.”_

_“Maybe…” He let out a long sigh, falling down onto the bed and letting the cat go flying, a loud “mew!” coming from it as it fell to the ground. “Maybe she’s just as tired.”_

_“Mew…”_

_“Maybe that’s why she’s so empty all the time. Maybe… Maybe if the player doesn’t come back, it’ll be different. She’ll come back to me.”_

* * *

 

Saeyoung’s hands shook as he poured the tea, leaning against the counter to give him some semblance of support. He picked the mug up off of the counter and winced as it sloshed out of the mug, trickling scalding liquid through his fingers.

He grimaced at the pain, then shook it off, clenching the mug in both of his hands and holding it close to fend off the cold. He briefly moved to look beyond the wall, wondering if his fiancee would still be sitting at the table, or if she had finally disappeared entirely.

His golden eyes met blank, empty brown ones.

_...Ah._

MC didn’t move otherwise, not motioning for him to sit, or question why he was staring, only looking right back, eyes unwavering. Something cold settled in Saeyoung’s chest, and he turned away, leaning against the counter once more and holding the warm cup closer.

Winter was harsh and cold, and due to bad memories regarding it in their childhood, neither of the Choi twins liked snow very much. Luckily, there was little reason to leave the house, both of them having the luck to find jobs from home.

Still, Saeyoung found himself leaving frequently, if only to avoid the deafening silence at home.

* * *

 

_It was Valentine’s Day of their second year together. Saeyoung knew that, if all went according to how it previously had, his time with MC was short. For this one time, he wanted to make her smile, a genuine and warm smile for him._

_Maybe her emptiness would ease when she saw how willing he was to love her with that same intensity, even if she were to go after someone else in the next route._

_Almost immediately, he saw a new light enter your eyes. Your bold yet kind nature returned, and you spoke with a new tone, your head high. The cold feeling was gone, his hands clenched his desk until his knuckles were white, tears rolling down his face at your smile._

It’s perfect. She’s just as I remember.

_He mouthed a quick “thank you” to Yoosung as he led you out of his apartment, his hands squeezing you tight as he pulled you close under the stars._

My angel.

_The sparkle in your eyes made it all worth it. And Saeyoung decided that if he were to die in this moment, he couldn’t regret a thing. He fell asleep that night with his head nestled underneath your chin, a wide grin pressed to your collarbone, and the old, familiar beat of his love’s heart pulled him into blissful sleep._

* * *

 

_The next morning, his phone read February 14th._

* * *

 

After Saeran came into the kitchen and all but force-fed his brother a bagel, Saeyoung found himself pulling on his jacket and leaving again, despite his conscience pricking him at the thought of his brother alone all day.

 _I’ll bring back some hot chocolate_ , he promised himself, and set out into the winter air. He wondered where his feet would take him this time, wandering aimlessly through the streets until he finally stepped into a coffee shop.

The atmosphere was warm, all woody browns and soft, neutral grays, the smell of freshly ground coffee and warm pastries filling the air. His heart ached slightly at the sight of chocolate and cherry cake in the showcase, and shook his head, stepping up to order something to go--Anything warm would be more than fine, and he would pick up a hot chocolate on his way back.

The last time he’d been here, two women with long brown hair manned the shop, one with a bright and peaceful smile at the register while her best friend and business partner carried a metal tray with various mugs on it. He remembered feeling, perhaps, somewhat envious.

No, he was definitely envious.

* * *

 

_Saeyoung watched again, confused, as the love of his life continued on as before--only, this time, your bold side came out more. He laughed as his fellow RFA members suddenly grew flustered at how forward you were, and tucked a box of chocolates under his arm. He had bought two, knowing beforehand that he would likely eat them all if he bought only one, and set out for Yoosung’s apartment again._

_He almost broke character when Yoosung’s face crumpled, unable to stay composed when you began describing exactly what you wanted from him, almost choking on his laughter._

_Saeyoung tried to recall the night before--if it had even happened. He held you close as he drove home, his fingertips tracing small circles in your bare shoulder._

_He looked into your eyes when he finally took the blindfold off, overwhelmed with emotion when his eyes met lively, bright ones, sweet as chocolate and every bit as inviting._

_Much, much later, when you finally fell asleep, he tried to commit your heartbeat to memory, every second of the day, every moment in your arms._

_His sleep was filled with bright eyes and the smile lines of your face._

* * *

 

_When Saeyoung awoke again, the date on his phone read February 14th again, and he was met not with the smell of coffee and Saeran’s alarm clock, but Vanderwood threatening him with their taser and the sickeningly sweet scent of artificial honey._

* * *

 

Saeyoung stumbled out of the shop, straight into a much shorter woman, almost spilling scalding coffee all over her blazer. He stammered out an apology, looking up, and froze.

“Oh- Hello, Luciel.”

“Jaehee- Ah, hi. Sorry, I didn’t recognize you for a moment.”

She smiled at him, exhaustion evident in the lines of her face, and she gestured for him to follow as she ordered her own drink. “That’s quite all right. You look worn down.”

“...Yeah. I’ve had a difficult time sleeping lately. I’m thinking that it’s not enough background noise.”

“Have you considered a noise generator?” Jaehee nodded to the barista, who smiled and produced a beige to-go cup, accepting her debit card.

“Ye-es… Come here often, then?”

“Every morning,” She replied softly, running a hand through her close-cut hair and leaning against the counter as the barista ran her card. “I don’t know what it is, exactly, but…”

“You’re just drawn to it?”

“That’s a good way to describe it,” Jaehee said as she straightened up. “Excuse me, Luciel. I’m going to be late for work if I stay any longer to chat.”

“It’s not a problem.” Saeyoung put a reassuring hand on her shoulder, and she smiled gratefully in return. He moved to open the door for her, then went himself into the cold air, his arms wrapped around himself.

_…Now..._

* * *

 

_Saeyoung set straight to work as per usual, ignoring the deep pit in his stomach as he did so. Vanderwood lounged on the couch in the background, looking through their phone to remain up-to-date on the progression of their next assignment, but still, he felt suffocated._

_By the Agency. By the resets. By the loneliness that came with his family being taken from him again. By the alias 707._

_Focus._

_The room was filled with the sound of the keyboard, and eventually, he felt a hand on his shoulder._

_“Hey.”_

_“I thought you wanted me to work?”_

_Vanderwood frowned. “Something’s wrong.”_

_Saeyoung let out a long breath, turning in his chair. “...Of course. What is it this time?”_

_“No...” They shook their head, rolling their eyes. “Something wrong with you. What’s up?”_

_“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”_

_“No, don’t give me that,” the agent growled, leaning forward and tapping a finger to his forehead. “You, oh bane of my existence, are being very quiet.”_

_“Oh, I see what’s happening here.” He sat up, rolling his shoulders back and looking them in the eye. “You’re bored. Still, what happened to ‘shut up and get back to work’?”_

_They narrowed their eyes, pushing him back and away from their face. “I’m your handler. And yeah, it means making sure you work, but it also means you don’t. You know. Get hurt.”_

_“Do I look in immediate danger to you?”_

_“I wouldn’t know, you aren’t communicating that to me,” Vanderwood replied, standing up straight. “But if you were, well, I’m supposed to remedy that.”_

_“I’m fine.”_

_“Liar.”_

_Saeyoung groaned, falling back into his chair. “What else do you want from me? Why don’t you go back to your coffee aesthetic board and leave me alone?”_

_Blinking in surprise, then letting their hand wander over their phone, Vanderwood sighed, crouching so that they were at eye level. “I didn’t want to do this.”_

_“Then don’t.”_

_“Luciel, I may be your handler, but I’m also probably the closest thing you have to a confidante. Seriously, I want to help you.”_

_“I don’t need it.”_

_“Liar.”_

_“You’ve used that line twice now, the writers must have been working late.”_

_“What?”_

_Saeyoung glared at them for a moment, then was startled by the familiar, lilting tune of his cell phone._

_Vanderwood reluctantly got up from their position on the ground. “...Your phone is ringing.”_

_“...Yeah.”_

_“You should probably answer it.”_

_“...Yeah,” he murmured, picking it up from it’s place on his desk and swiveling to face the computer. “...Later. I’ll talk. Later.”_

_“Later,” Vanderwood confirmed, dipping their head in response and returning to the couch._

_Later never came._

* * *

 

_“The nerve! I’m seriously considering walking over to wherever that trust fund kid is right now and literally kicking him back to his house.”_

_“Hah… That probably wouldn’t bring you any good publicity. Which I’m sure would make MC unhappy as well.”_

_Zen sighed on the other end of the phone, and Saeyoung leaned back in his seat, his fingertips running through his hair. “I can hack his phone and change his wallpaper to longcat.”_

_“Make it that one poster for ‘The Jalapeno Topping was Pretty Spicy’ and you have a deal.”_

_Saeyoung shook his head, laughing softly. “Why is it a deal? What am I getting out of it?”_

_“...The satisfaction of pranking the man who’s left the woman you love alone?”_

_Saeyoung stopped laughing._

_“...Did I go too far?”_

_“...A little bit, yes. Was… Was it obvious?”_

_Zen was silent for a moment, and Saeyoung chewed his lower lip as anxiety took him over._

_“...Yeah, it is, but only if you’re looking. Which I was.”_

_“Why?”_

_Again, the man on the other side of the phone seemed to have a hard time finding his voice, then let out a long sigh. “...I wanted to see if anyone else felt the same.”_

_“Everyone does.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“You catch on easily.”_

_“...Yeah.”_

_“Zen, I… I have a question.”_

_Saeyoung sat in the silence that followed, and wondered if it was too late to turn back Still, he heard the actor breathe in deeply. “Yeah?”_

_“Do…”_

Do I want to do this?

_“Do you ever think…”_

Would anything even happen if I made him aware of it? Would he be trapped too?

_“Do you ever think that maybe we’re-”_

* * *

 

**RESET**

* * *

 

_Saeyoung awoke to the smell of honey and his handler standing over him._

* * *

 

He wondered when winter had finally come--at this point, the days had begun to blur together, a never-ending loop of changing seasons and hollow romance. Monochrome painted the atmosphere as he stepped into the streets, making his way along sidewalks to a familiar heartbeat.

Frost curled around the windows, obscuring his reflection, and he pulled his sweater closer.

_God, I miss her._

* * *

 

**RESET**

_Yoosung ran into a friendly dog in the park while role-playing their first date._

**RESET**

_Zen had set up a romantic escape in Rika’s old apartment._

**RESET**

_Jaehee was trapped in her supply closet._

**RESET**

_Why?_

* * *

 

Saeyoung’s coffee, growing cold, tasted of caramel with hints of bitter saudade.

Years later, he hadn’t forgotten the password. The door open with a soft creak, and he stepped into the apartment.

The desk was as he had left it, the drawers open, documents regarding Mint Eye splayed across the top. Dust gathered along it, the caramel-colored wood chipped along the edges, but other than that, it was picturesque.

Saeyoung set his coffee on the counter and sat down in the corner, watching the apartment from his familiar position.

* * *

 

_“Don’t talk to me.”_

* * *

 

_He would test her._

_Every option set to her, every matter of opinion was defected to him._

_Simple things like how she liked her tea, to the color of her sweater, to whether they should move or if they should stay together._

_It didn’t matter._

_He knew, secretly, that she was naught but a phantom._

_He hated admitting it to himself._

_Once, in a fit of hysteria, he had found himself on the ground while Saeran was out. His sobs wracked the kitchen, his arms wrapped around himself, and within moments, MC was at his side._

_“What do you want me to do?”_

_“Leave me be.”_

_She was silent for only a moment. “Very well.” With that, she sat back, leaning against the counter, staring at him with her empty eyes._

_He curled up tighter into himself, his eyes trained on the woman in front of him._

You’re the reason I’m like this. You’re the reason I’m trapped here.

_They were no more than three feet apart._

_“Why?”_

_Her head tilted to the side ever so slightly. “Why…?”_

_“Why do you keep doing this?”_

_“Saeyoung, I don’t understand.”_

No, you don’t.

_“Of course not.”_

_Her expression never changed. Eyes still trained on him, she got up from her position on the floor, moving to the stove to put on the kettle. Back turned, she began rummaging through the cabinets, pulling out a mug and setting it on the counter._

She isn’t looking at you.

_His eyes settled on the silverware drawer._

You could take out a knife.

_His hands wrung together, close to his chest, fingernails digging into skin._

Would that end it? Her dying when she’s not being controlled by the player?

_He silently crept to the counter. Her back remained turned._

_His hand slipped into the drawer._

You could break the cycle.

_Fingers gripped a kitchen knife tightly, coming up behind her._

_Tears dripped down his cheeks._

* * *

 

**RESET**

* * *

 

Saeyoung remembered the time he had been so physically and emotionally exhausted that he let you push him to the ground and didn’t get up.

Even then, when he knew that the woman in front of him was trying to ruin him, he was still hopelessly in love with you--and you knew it.

That was the woman he loved--bold, but patient, loving, but unwilling to take the brunt of his moods and more than willing to call him out.

You made him a better version of himself--and that was who you were. Once he fell in love with you, he couldn’t help but want to become someone worth your love. God knew he didn’t deserve you.

He deserved the woman sitting in his home, inevitably doing nothing but waiting for him to return.

Saeyoung wondered if she even existed outside of his interaction with her. He wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t.

After all, she was only a shell.

* * *

 

_The next route didn’t change anything._

_You were going for Jumin’s second Bad End again--and frankly, he wasn’t surprised, knowing his own lover’s preferences. You didn’t act any differently. You didn’t treat him as someone who had quite literally stabbed you in the back. You didn’t act afraid of him._

_It was as if it had never happened._

_But then, to you, it never did._

_Even as Saeyoung hated you, he found himself coming back to you, over and over again, in every reset, just for a glimpse of the star he’d wished upon time and time again before you went out._

_Frankly, he was addicted, to the point that he would give up everything he had for another taste._

_He wondered if you would give up._

_He wondered if you’d get bored, and finally leave him be, to live his life._

_Saeyoung watched you gently work your way into Jumin’s heart, and his own began to crumble._

* * *

 

_I could never live without her. Not after having a taste of what the woman on the other side of the screen is like._

Saeyoung felt guilty for lying to his brother. Luckily, selling his cars brought more than enough income to last for a while. Even so, spending all of his time alone in Rika’s apartment was a far cry from the work that Saeran thought he was doing.

The soft and continuous tap of his fingertips on the keyboard filled the otherwise silent room. Across from him, leaning against the corner of the wall, a corkboard, pictures and letters from the one he loved, even if they weren’t all for him.

Spending his days immersed in the memories of you was all he could do now, stuck roaming the same path he had run down over and over. Trying to get to know the littlest parts of you from the alternate reality where he lay.

Focusing every drop of energy in every fiber of his being towards planning.

Planning for the next long absence, for the stretches of time where he was alone, save for his brother and the ghost that haunted his bed.

Planning for the next route, where he would watch you fall in love with someone else, assuage his self doubt, and assure himself that you would return, as you always did.

Planning the next event, praying that perhaps it would be enough for you to take you time, to linger with him a little longer, to fill the hole in his heart for as long as possible.

Saeyoung Choi was hopelessly, thoroughly addicted to the fragments of time and love that you threw his way, leaving behind everything he had to pick up the pieces of his sanity.

He spent every second with you on his mind, drowning in memories, clinging to the possibility of a life together at last.

Hoping his newest attempt would be enough to keep you in his life.

* * *

 

**-NEW UPDATE-**

* * *

 

Even if the familiar heart only beat for another day.

**Author's Note:**

> For those of you who may or may not have had a hard time understanding(I find it hard to believe that I made it subtle enough to not be picked up immediately tho lol like I said I'm not that clever), MC and the player are two different people. MC is, in and of themselves, a programmed character, just like everyone else, but she only has any 'personality' when the player is controlling her. 
> 
> Outside of that, she becomes little more than a robot, programmed to go along unthinkingly. Saeyoung can't love her because there isn't a person to love, only a shell where the player is supposed to be, and he's trying to bring the player back. 
> 
> I hope this made some semblance of sense. It's 1 in the morning and I've barely edited, lolol.


End file.
